


Manders

by svenharel (svensationalist)



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-16
Updated: 2012-08-16
Packaged: 2017-11-12 07:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/488136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svensationalist/pseuds/svenharel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A parody of "Gaston" from Disney's 'Beauty and the Beast', featuring a comically buff Anders dejected over a frolicking Tevinter elf's oblivious rejection, a socially awkward Isabela trying to cheer up Anders, and a tavern that might as well become a show choir.</p>
<p>Contains spoilers for the end of Dragon Age II.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Manders

**Author's Note:**

  * For [frikadeller](https://archiveofourown.org/users/frikadeller/gifts), [spicyshimmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyshimmy/gifts).



> frikadeller on tumblr drew a comically buff picture of Anders in a livestream at hamburgerjack's suggestion. It started all sorts of shenanigans (like spicyshimmy writing opposite-versions of all the DA2 characters) and sourcedumal ended up typing this beauty:
> 
> "No one fights like Anders  
> Douses lights like Anders  
> No one heals the party during fights like Anders  
> For there’s no one as burly and brawny….  
> As you see he’s got biceps to spare….  
> Not a bit of him is scraggly or scrawny  
> And every last inch of hims covered with hair…"
> 
> After seeing it, I found myself possessed with the urge to write a full parody.
> 
> Edit: Retconned "Anderps" to "Manders" to avoid confusion with a tumblr user.

 

(Drawing by [frikadeller](http://frikadeller.tumblr.com))

* * *

**MANDERS:**

****_Who does he think he is?  That elf has tangled with the wrong mage!  No one says "no" to Anders!_

_  
_

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:**  
 __

_Darn right?_

 

**MANDERS:**  
 __

_Dismissed! Rejected!  Publicly humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear.  [Throws bottle in broody pique]_

 

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:**  
 __

_More ale?_

 

**MANDERS:**  
 __

_What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced._

 

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:**  
 __

_Who, you? Never! Anders, you've got to pull yourself together._

 

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Anders

Looking so down in the dumps

Ev'ry guy here'd love to be you, Anders

Even though they're not all chumps

There's no man in town as admired as you

You're ev'ryone's favorite guy

Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you

And it's not very hard to see whyyyy~

 

No one's slick as Anders

No one's quick as Anders

No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Anders'

For there's no man in town half as Spartan

A manly as hell Paragon! [VARRIC turns around at another table and looks irritated]

You can ask any Bran, Corff, or Martin

And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on 

 

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA and PATRONS AT THE HANGED MAN:**

No one's nose's like Anders

Strikes a pose like Anders  


**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:**

No one wears a nipple-showing robe like Anders  


**MANDERS:**

For a mage I have some very large pectorals!  


**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA and PATRONS AT THE HANGED MAN:  
**

My what a guy, that Anders!

 

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA and PATRONS AT THE HANGED MAN:  
**

All hail his butt!

All hail his hips!  


**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:  
**

Anders is the best --

Just look at those great nips!

 

[Cricket sounds.]

 

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA and PATRONS AT THE HANGED MAN:  
**

No one fights like Anders

Douses lights like Anders  


**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:  
**

No one heals the party during fights like Anders!  


**TALKATIVE MAN:  
**

For there's no one as burly and brawny [Swoon]  


**MANDERS:  
**

As you see I've got biceps to spare [Flex]  


**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:  
**

Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny  


**MANDERS:  
** __

_That's right!  
_

And ev'ry last inch of me's covered with ~*~FLAIR~*~

 

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA and PATRONS AT THE HANGED MAN:**

No one hits like Anders

Fails at wit like Anders  


**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:  
**

To make magic bombs no one finds shit like Anders!  


**MANDERS:  
**

But I'm not good at making up cover stories!  
 __

_Boom!  
_ ****

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA and PATRONS AT THE HANGED MAN:  
**

Goddammit Anders!

 

**MANDERS:  
**

When I was a Circle mage I used to flirt

Ev'ry night so that I would get laid

And now that I'm free, I go work at the Rose

So I have awesome sex AND get paid!

 

**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA and PATRONS AT THE HANGED MAN:  
**

No one (Pants) like Anders

Makes those pouts like Anders  


**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA:  
**

Then does spicy shimmies wearing skirts like Anders  


**MANDERS:  
**

I use feathers to decorate all my clothing!  


**SOCIALLY-AWKWARD-PIRATE ISABELA and PATRONS OF THE HANGED MAN:  
**

My what a guy --

Andeeeeeers!

**Author's Note:**

> Also found here:  
> http://svenharel.tumblr.com/post/29351639346
> 
> frikadeller's original artwork:  
> http://frikadeller.tumblr.com/post/29254605136/bara-beefy-buff-anders-idk-idk-you-guys-suffer
> 
> sourcedumal's short "Gaston" parody:  
> http://sourcedumal.tumblr.com/post/29254774003/hamburgerjack-frikadeller-bara-beefy-buff
> 
> spicyshimmy's hilarious AUs:  
> http://spicyshimmy.tumblr.com/post/29268873459  
> http://spicyshimmy.tumblr.com/post/29283717559


End file.
